Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Happy One Year Anniversary
Yesterday , April 5, 2011, was my one year anniversary since my surgery. Its been an awesome year...truly. Not that I would want to go through it again and for that matter knowing what I know now I don't know if I would have gone through as well. I am back to work as I have been since week 10 full time and have my energy back. I am back to my daily 7:30 workout with the "girls" and Yoga on wednesdays. I eased into my workout sessions but Yoga was and is my physical therapy. learning how to use my "new" body again. being sensitive to new aches and pains from muscles shifting and compensating for my new breasts and no stomach muscle. things that you don't think about...what shoes to wear, support panties to help support my back and stomach...posture....getting in and out of my new SUV. I still feel pressure in my abdomen due to the tram flap but it is getting better every day and I wait for the day when I no longer think about it. I am so blessed that I am Cancer Free! no medication, no Chem, and no radiation. Yes I am very blessed as I have encountered so many other women with Breast Cancer that did not have the same path as I. Although I have discovered that every person's cancer is "their " cancer and no two paths are alike. We all have our own journeys to follow. My journey was as wonderful as Cancer could be. Relatively quick, no medication and all the love and support from family, friends , co-workers and clients a person could want and need. I have discovered that being transparent and vulnerable is not only a gift that I can possess but a gift that I can give others allowing them to be real and natural and loving around me. Like everything in life...."it is what it is" and by allowing and opening yourself up to your community you allow others to help and nurture you while you are touching their lives as well. I'm feeling great and happy to have my life back in a deeper and more meaningful way. Thank you to all my friends , family and supporters. I love you for being there for me and will never forget it. I still have all of your cards and go through them periodically.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Out and About
Its been a while since I felt there was something worthwhile blogging about. Recovery has its incremental goals at the start whereby you feel like you are making progress and this is the process that will continue. Then at about week 6 - 7 it slows down almost to a halt where you are not all better and yet nothing is really happening.
Although I feel 80% better I am still quite sore around my breasts and abdomen and don't have all my energy back. I went back to work at week 6 on a part time basis and a bit more so at week 7.
It felt wonderful to start reclaiming my life back and getting involved. Everyone telling me how wonderful I look. I truly look as if nothing has changed. I dress as well as I can while still wearing my compression belt and new bra and no one can tell what I have been through. It is encouraging to hear that I look good (normal).
Now comes the hard part. At week 8 I feel like I have hit a wall. Emotional and physical. I look at my body and feel like it doesn't belong to me. We need to become reacquainted. My friend Cheryl and Yoga teacher is helping with that in our weekly Yoga sessions. I am both impressed with myself for how far I have come and yet very discouraged and frustrated at the thought of starting all over getting my strength back and range of motion. I am so limited and am frustrated. I want my body back.
Emotionally I am feeling very sensitive and melancholy the last few days whereby anything can set me off. A kind word about how good I look or a kind gesture from a friend who gave me a "cancer" survivor bracelet. I am not feeling the strength that I have had up until now and this too is foreign to me.
To top it all off my uncle had a massive heart attack yesterday and may not survive the night. We are all grieving and trying to wrap our brains around this. What a year this has been.
Between my breast cancer, my mother's fall and now my Uncle's failing health I am faced with how vulnerable and fragile we all are.
Although I feel 80% better I am still quite sore around my breasts and abdomen and don't have all my energy back. I went back to work at week 6 on a part time basis and a bit more so at week 7.
It felt wonderful to start reclaiming my life back and getting involved. Everyone telling me how wonderful I look. I truly look as if nothing has changed. I dress as well as I can while still wearing my compression belt and new bra and no one can tell what I have been through. It is encouraging to hear that I look good (normal).
Now comes the hard part. At week 8 I feel like I have hit a wall. Emotional and physical. I look at my body and feel like it doesn't belong to me. We need to become reacquainted. My friend Cheryl and Yoga teacher is helping with that in our weekly Yoga sessions. I am both impressed with myself for how far I have come and yet very discouraged and frustrated at the thought of starting all over getting my strength back and range of motion. I am so limited and am frustrated. I want my body back.
Emotionally I am feeling very sensitive and melancholy the last few days whereby anything can set me off. A kind word about how good I look or a kind gesture from a friend who gave me a "cancer" survivor bracelet. I am not feeling the strength that I have had up until now and this too is foreign to me.
To top it all off my uncle had a massive heart attack yesterday and may not survive the night. We are all grieving and trying to wrap our brains around this. What a year this has been.
Between my breast cancer, my mother's fall and now my Uncle's failing health I am faced with how vulnerable and fragile we all are.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Turning a Corner
Its 3 weeks today after my surgery and I feel that I am turning the corner to a new phase of my recovery. I am no longer in a medicated stupor where I don't know nor care what day it is, can't focus on a book or TV and just doing little normal things like going to the bathroom and taking a shower are my daily pleasures and goals.
I got my remaining two drains out on Saturday since one of them was leaking and my Doctor had me come in to remove them. It was a beautiful sunny day and My Team was at the Ringwood Park and Ride hosting my annual Shredding Event along with Caring For Ringwood Day. I made Aharon stop by on the way back and stayed of about an hour sitting and enjoying seeing my clients and the rest of the community come and go with their shreddables as my daughters, Monica and Jaymee, along with Cathy and Noreen handing out my now "pink" going green grocery bags. We did a photo op which we posted on Facebook. It felt wonderful to be doing something. I came home to eat lunch and then go down for a nap. All in all a wonderful day.
Sunday was a rainy drizzling day when I awoke. Aharon went to play his weekly soccer game so Tara , me oldest daughter, made me breakfast as we watched TV and caught up. Monica and Jaymee joined us a few hours later waking up late from their respective Saturday night activities.
How wonderful to enjoy a Sunday morning with all three of my girls at home each helping me in her way. We then went to visit my mother at Rehab against all my friends advise. I know I shouldn't be exposing myself to germs and taking a chance on getting an infection but I just had to lift her spirits and mine and make sure she was OK. I sat by her bed while she squeezed my hand so tightly I wanted to cry. The girls fed her fruit and gave her water. We stayed for a good hour and then I went home emotionally and physically exhausted to my own bed and my nap.
I am beginning to feel better whereby I can be a bit more mobile and am on my little Netbook more.
Aharon knows that this is the stage where he really needs to watch me as my mind wants and thinks it can do more but the body is not ready and still needs to take its time healing. I don't want to feel like a wimp or a lazy person but also don't want to push myself and do damage. As always, life is about balance.
So I sit here watching the View ( I hate daytime TV), answering emails, blogging and thinking what I will do next. I have a wonderful visitor coming after lunch to see me and I am so looking forward to that. Ronnie Laiken who was the President of Coldwell Banker until last year and a more importantly an amazing woman and friend.
So all in all, I am taking my time and making sure that I heal and recovery at the pace that my body needs to.
I am still receiving flowers, fruit and cards and I sooooo appreciate the love and support. It is very important to continue staying in touch with the people in your life that are facing adversity constantly and not just in the beginning to make sure they don't feel abandoned. Depression and melancholy aren't far and its important to keep them at bay with the love and support from those around you. I have always had a good positive attitude but I too am only human and know that I am allowed to have my moments.
I got my remaining two drains out on Saturday since one of them was leaking and my Doctor had me come in to remove them. It was a beautiful sunny day and My Team was at the Ringwood Park and Ride hosting my annual Shredding Event along with Caring For Ringwood Day. I made Aharon stop by on the way back and stayed of about an hour sitting and enjoying seeing my clients and the rest of the community come and go with their shreddables as my daughters, Monica and Jaymee, along with Cathy and Noreen handing out my now "pink" going green grocery bags. We did a photo op which we posted on Facebook. It felt wonderful to be doing something. I came home to eat lunch and then go down for a nap. All in all a wonderful day.
Sunday was a rainy drizzling day when I awoke. Aharon went to play his weekly soccer game so Tara , me oldest daughter, made me breakfast as we watched TV and caught up. Monica and Jaymee joined us a few hours later waking up late from their respective Saturday night activities.
How wonderful to enjoy a Sunday morning with all three of my girls at home each helping me in her way. We then went to visit my mother at Rehab against all my friends advise. I know I shouldn't be exposing myself to germs and taking a chance on getting an infection but I just had to lift her spirits and mine and make sure she was OK. I sat by her bed while she squeezed my hand so tightly I wanted to cry. The girls fed her fruit and gave her water. We stayed for a good hour and then I went home emotionally and physically exhausted to my own bed and my nap.
I am beginning to feel better whereby I can be a bit more mobile and am on my little Netbook more.
Aharon knows that this is the stage where he really needs to watch me as my mind wants and thinks it can do more but the body is not ready and still needs to take its time healing. I don't want to feel like a wimp or a lazy person but also don't want to push myself and do damage. As always, life is about balance.
So I sit here watching the View ( I hate daytime TV), answering emails, blogging and thinking what I will do next. I have a wonderful visitor coming after lunch to see me and I am so looking forward to that. Ronnie Laiken who was the President of Coldwell Banker until last year and a more importantly an amazing woman and friend.
So all in all, I am taking my time and making sure that I heal and recovery at the pace that my body needs to.
I am still receiving flowers, fruit and cards and I sooooo appreciate the love and support. It is very important to continue staying in touch with the people in your life that are facing adversity constantly and not just in the beginning to make sure they don't feel abandoned. Depression and melancholy aren't far and its important to keep them at bay with the love and support from those around you. I have always had a good positive attitude but I too am only human and know that I am allowed to have my moments.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Dodging a Bullet
As I lay here in my bed two weeks and one day after my surgery I am reading a book sent to me by my cousin Vee who I haven't spoken to in years. She lives in California and although we are a large family with 23 first cousins we are not close, geographically nor emotionally. I am enjoying the re-connection with some of my first cousins that have reached out to me although not under these circumstances. The Book I am reading is "A Cup of Comfort for Breast Cancer Survivors" and it a compilation of true stories from brave women who have fought this battle. I can not consider myself a survivor since I don't believe I was ever in the trenches. I dodged that bullet.
I am not brave nor strong, I am simply dealing with what is in front of me which is so manageable. These women are the true heroes who had to go through so much pain and uncomfortableness with Chemo and Radiation and worst of all , living with the uncertainty of not knowing if they will survive. My story is a paper cut compared to theirs. Perhaps its not such a good idea to read these books so close to my surgery where I am vulnerable and sensitive and the tears come easily.
Or is it because I am so upset that my mother woke up this morning and broke her leg near her hip area on the way to the toilet. She is 78 and a diabetic. She refused to allow my father to call the ambulance and only after an hour and a half of Aharon convincing him to call 911 did they take her to the hospital. She is in extreme pain and has been given morphine. My father and best friend Ruth is there making sure they are taking good care of her. We are hoping they will operate today or tomorrow morning and my brother Josh is on his way from Texas. She is a bad patient on a good day, now she will need to walk with a walker right after surgery and then go to rehab for a week. She doesn't walk more than 8 feet on any given good day so this will be a double challenge. One I am confident that Josh will succeed in. She was doing so well lately and really coming around after a 4 year battle of various ailments and depression. We had a breakthrough yesterday when she finally realized what a mess my father was making around the house. He has taken it over and she was livid. I thought it was like Rip Van Winkle waking up after 4 years and finally looking and seeing what was around her. I reassured my father that the yelling he was getting was a good thing and a good sign that she was getting stronger and more aware, not to take it personally (LOL).
I am more upset about this than my own surgery. I have been crying all morning picturing her in pain and Aharon can't seem to comfort me as much as he is trying. I hurt more when someone I love is hurting. That is why I was relieved that I got Breast Cancer and not my daughters or anyone else that I love. Even the volunteer ambulance driver told my mother he knew her daughter, Only Orly, and reassured her that I was a strong woman and would be fine with my Cancer. She let me know that everyone she has spoken with feels that way about me.
Again, it is not strength but the knowledge that so many are going through so much worse and hurting so much more and yet I turned into a little girl of 5 today crying uncontrollably because my Mommy was hurting.
Yes, I dodged a big bullet and am recovering in the nurturing arms of those that love me. Now those arms need to extend to helping my mother recover from the road that is in front of her.
Perhaps we will lay side by side as our husbands bring us breakfast in bed.
I am not brave nor strong, I am simply dealing with what is in front of me which is so manageable. These women are the true heroes who had to go through so much pain and uncomfortableness with Chemo and Radiation and worst of all , living with the uncertainty of not knowing if they will survive. My story is a paper cut compared to theirs. Perhaps its not such a good idea to read these books so close to my surgery where I am vulnerable and sensitive and the tears come easily.
Or is it because I am so upset that my mother woke up this morning and broke her leg near her hip area on the way to the toilet. She is 78 and a diabetic. She refused to allow my father to call the ambulance and only after an hour and a half of Aharon convincing him to call 911 did they take her to the hospital. She is in extreme pain and has been given morphine. My father and best friend Ruth is there making sure they are taking good care of her. We are hoping they will operate today or tomorrow morning and my brother Josh is on his way from Texas. She is a bad patient on a good day, now she will need to walk with a walker right after surgery and then go to rehab for a week. She doesn't walk more than 8 feet on any given good day so this will be a double challenge. One I am confident that Josh will succeed in. She was doing so well lately and really coming around after a 4 year battle of various ailments and depression. We had a breakthrough yesterday when she finally realized what a mess my father was making around the house. He has taken it over and she was livid. I thought it was like Rip Van Winkle waking up after 4 years and finally looking and seeing what was around her. I reassured my father that the yelling he was getting was a good thing and a good sign that she was getting stronger and more aware, not to take it personally (LOL).
I am more upset about this than my own surgery. I have been crying all morning picturing her in pain and Aharon can't seem to comfort me as much as he is trying. I hurt more when someone I love is hurting. That is why I was relieved that I got Breast Cancer and not my daughters or anyone else that I love. Even the volunteer ambulance driver told my mother he knew her daughter, Only Orly, and reassured her that I was a strong woman and would be fine with my Cancer. She let me know that everyone she has spoken with feels that way about me.
Again, it is not strength but the knowledge that so many are going through so much worse and hurting so much more and yet I turned into a little girl of 5 today crying uncontrollably because my Mommy was hurting.
Yes, I dodged a big bullet and am recovering in the nurturing arms of those that love me. Now those arms need to extend to helping my mother recover from the road that is in front of her.
Perhaps we will lay side by side as our husbands bring us breakfast in bed.
Friday, April 16, 2010
First Shower
What a sensational feeling to be able to feel the hot water flowing down over me like a rebirth.
Feeling the pressure of the shower head massaging my body and cleansing me. Shampooing my hair for the first time by myself. Aharon has been doing it over the sink up until now. Feeling human again.
My girlfriend Caren had a similar procedure done one week before I did and I have been closely in touch with her to compare notes and get an idea of what the near future would bring.
Her description of her first shower was the best, " it felt like I was released from prison after being there for 15 years and was having sex for the first time". I have to admit that my moment was not quite that orgasmic but it was good.
I still have three drains attached to me which I had to put into a plastic pouch and hold it on my shoulder like a pocketbook but it still felt great. My dressings all got wet and soggy so Aharon and I re-dressed everything with the only thing we had around the house. Pantie Liners! They really are very versatile and work great. They are thinner than gauze and absorb nicely and can be cut into any shape needed. I don't know why the hospitals haven't thought about using them.
I am feeling refreshed and renewed today and looking forward to a little bit of reading, if I can focus through the pain medication. Mariola, my cleaning girl and friend, is here cleaning the house and changing all the sheets. What a wonderful feeling knowing everything is fresh and clean.
I am tempted to call work and see what is going on but know that they will chastise me if I do.
I am simply curious to see what is happening but not yet ready to jump in. My Team, Noreen, Cathy, Carol and Monica have been amazing at running my business as seamlessly as they are.
They are my second family and my dear friends. How lucky I am to have them in my life.
Feeling the pressure of the shower head massaging my body and cleansing me. Shampooing my hair for the first time by myself. Aharon has been doing it over the sink up until now. Feeling human again.
My girlfriend Caren had a similar procedure done one week before I did and I have been closely in touch with her to compare notes and get an idea of what the near future would bring.
Her description of her first shower was the best, " it felt like I was released from prison after being there for 15 years and was having sex for the first time". I have to admit that my moment was not quite that orgasmic but it was good.
I still have three drains attached to me which I had to put into a plastic pouch and hold it on my shoulder like a pocketbook but it still felt great. My dressings all got wet and soggy so Aharon and I re-dressed everything with the only thing we had around the house. Pantie Liners! They really are very versatile and work great. They are thinner than gauze and absorb nicely and can be cut into any shape needed. I don't know why the hospitals haven't thought about using them.
I am feeling refreshed and renewed today and looking forward to a little bit of reading, if I can focus through the pain medication. Mariola, my cleaning girl and friend, is here cleaning the house and changing all the sheets. What a wonderful feeling knowing everything is fresh and clean.
I am tempted to call work and see what is going on but know that they will chastise me if I do.
I am simply curious to see what is happening but not yet ready to jump in. My Team, Noreen, Cathy, Carol and Monica have been amazing at running my business as seamlessly as they are.
They are my second family and my dear friends. How lucky I am to have them in my life.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Recovery - week two
My surgery was last Monday, April 5th. After surgery I was told I looked great with color in my face and a certain peace about me. My friends and family came to visit me every day and kept me distracted. I was hooked up to IV's, a pain pump inserted into my breasts and was given pain meds for my abdomen. The medicine was doing its job for although I felt drowsy and tired and some pressure on my chest and abs I can't say I felt any real pain. Modern medicine is a wonderful thing.
So the first week I thought passed quickly between sleeping, eating and healing. Coming home is a different story. You are thrilled to be home in a more comfortable setting but nothing is really the same. I can't DO anything. I am mostly confined to my bed with lots of pillows propping me up. I can not lay straight as it will pull the abdominal area. I need to be at an angle at all times including standing up straight. Aharon is a genius when is comes to knowing just what the right pillow combination is for anything I am doing whether it be eating, sleeping, watching TV, or just rest mode. I try to come downstairs once a day usually in the evening to have dinner with my family around the table. It makes me feel normal. The pain meds still make me feel drowsy which I don't like but realize that I need them. I tried Advil today which did the trick until about 4:30 whereby I woke up from my nap in excruciating pain. I felt like someone had ripped off my chest and stomach. I felt a burning sensation as well as tremendous pressure. Monica gave me my meds immediately which thankfully brought me back to normal.
Lesson: do not go off the meds cold turkey. I will now try one pain med with two advil.
I am also feeling up to having a guest or two during the day so people are starting to visit. Although we have always had our dear friends beside us every day.
Life is simple now. Finding a comfortable position, staying pain free and relaxing.
So the first week I thought passed quickly between sleeping, eating and healing. Coming home is a different story. You are thrilled to be home in a more comfortable setting but nothing is really the same. I can't DO anything. I am mostly confined to my bed with lots of pillows propping me up. I can not lay straight as it will pull the abdominal area. I need to be at an angle at all times including standing up straight. Aharon is a genius when is comes to knowing just what the right pillow combination is for anything I am doing whether it be eating, sleeping, watching TV, or just rest mode. I try to come downstairs once a day usually in the evening to have dinner with my family around the table. It makes me feel normal. The pain meds still make me feel drowsy which I don't like but realize that I need them. I tried Advil today which did the trick until about 4:30 whereby I woke up from my nap in excruciating pain. I felt like someone had ripped off my chest and stomach. I felt a burning sensation as well as tremendous pressure. Monica gave me my meds immediately which thankfully brought me back to normal.
Lesson: do not go off the meds cold turkey. I will now try one pain med with two advil.
I am also feeling up to having a guest or two during the day so people are starting to visit. Although we have always had our dear friends beside us every day.
Life is simple now. Finding a comfortable position, staying pain free and relaxing.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Great News!
I received the best news last night when my Breast Surgeon called. she had reviewed my pathology reports and it seems they got ALL the cancer. I am Cancer Free and will not require Chemo nor radiation.
I am gratefull, thrilled and relieved.
Now my journey is focused on recovering and reflection.
I am gratefull, thrilled and relieved.
Now my journey is focused on recovering and reflection.
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