Turning a Corner

Its 3 weeks today after my surgery and I feel that I am turning the corner to a new phase of my recovery. I am no longer in a medicated stupor where I don't know nor care what day it is, can't focus on a book or TV and just doing little normal things like going to the bathroom and taking a shower are my daily pleasures and goals.

I got my remaining two drains out on Saturday since one of them was leaking and my Doctor had me come in to remove them. It was a beautiful sunny day and My Team was at the Ringwood Park and Ride hosting my annual Shredding Event along with Caring For Ringwood Day. I made Aharon stop by on the way back and stayed of about an hour sitting and enjoying seeing my clients and the rest of the community come and go with their shreddables as my daughters, Monica and Jaymee, along with Cathy and Noreen handing out my now "pink" going green grocery bags. We did a photo op which we posted on Facebook. It felt wonderful to be doing something. I came home to eat lunch and then go down for a nap. All in all a wonderful day.

Sunday was a rainy drizzling day when I awoke. Aharon went to play his weekly soccer game so Tara , me oldest daughter, made me breakfast as we watched TV and caught up. Monica and Jaymee joined us a few hours later waking up late from their respective Saturday night activities.
How wonderful to enjoy a Sunday morning with all three of my girls at home each helping me in her way. We then went to visit my mother at Rehab against all my friends advise. I know I shouldn't be exposing myself to germs and taking a chance on getting an infection but I just had to lift her spirits and mine and make sure she was OK. I sat by her bed while she squeezed my hand so tightly I wanted to cry. The girls fed her fruit and gave her water. We stayed for a good hour and then I went home emotionally and physically exhausted to my own bed and my nap.

I am beginning to feel better whereby I can be a bit more mobile and am on my little Netbook more.
Aharon knows that this is the stage where he really needs to watch me as my mind wants and thinks it can do more but the body is not ready and still needs to take its time healing. I don't want to feel like a wimp or a lazy person but also don't want to push myself and do damage. As always, life is about balance.

So I sit here watching the View ( I hate daytime TV), answering emails, blogging and thinking what I will do next. I have a wonderful visitor coming after lunch to see me and I am so looking forward to that. Ronnie Laiken who was the President of Coldwell Banker until last year and a more importantly an amazing woman and friend.

So all in all, I am taking my time and making sure that I heal and recovery at the pace that my body needs to.

I am still receiving flowers, fruit and cards and I sooooo appreciate the love and support. It is very important to continue staying in touch with the people in your life that are facing adversity constantly and not just in the beginning to make sure they don't feel abandoned. Depression and melancholy aren't far and its important to keep them at bay with the love and support from those around you. I have always had a good positive attitude but I too am only human and know that I am allowed to have my moments.

Dodging a Bullet

As I lay here in my bed two weeks and one day after my surgery I am reading a book sent to me by my cousin Vee who I haven't spoken to in years. She lives in California and although we are a large family with 23 first cousins we are not close, geographically nor emotionally. I am enjoying the re-connection with some of my first cousins that have reached out to me although not under these circumstances. The Book I am reading is "A Cup of Comfort for Breast Cancer Survivors" and it a compilation of true stories from brave women who have fought this battle. I can not consider myself a survivor since I don't believe I was ever in the trenches. I dodged that bullet.
I am not brave nor strong, I am simply dealing with what is in front of me which is so manageable. These women are the true heroes who had to go through so much pain and uncomfortableness with Chemo and Radiation and worst of all , living with the uncertainty of not knowing if they will survive. My story is a paper cut compared to theirs. Perhaps its not such a good idea to read these books so close to my surgery where I am vulnerable and sensitive and the tears come easily.

Or is it because I am so upset that my mother woke up this morning and broke her leg near her hip area on the way to the toilet. She is 78 and a diabetic. She refused to allow my father to call the ambulance and only after an hour and a half of Aharon convincing him to call 911 did they take her to the hospital. She is in extreme pain and has been given morphine. My father and best friend Ruth is there making sure they are taking good care of her. We are hoping they will operate today or tomorrow morning and my brother Josh is on his way from Texas. She is a bad patient on a good day, now she will need to walk with a walker right after surgery and then go to rehab for a week. She doesn't walk more than 8 feet on any given good day so this will be a double challenge. One I am confident that Josh will succeed in. She was doing so well lately and really coming around after a 4 year battle of various ailments and depression. We had a breakthrough yesterday when she finally realized what a mess my father was making around the house. He has taken it over and she was livid. I thought it was like Rip Van Winkle waking up after 4 years and finally looking and seeing what was around her. I reassured my father that the yelling he was getting was a good thing and a good sign that she was getting stronger and more aware, not to take it personally (LOL).

I am more upset about this than my own surgery. I have been crying all morning picturing her in pain and Aharon can't seem to comfort me as much as he is trying. I hurt more when someone I love is hurting. That is why I was relieved that I got Breast Cancer and not my daughters or anyone else that I love. Even the volunteer ambulance driver told my mother he knew her daughter, Only Orly, and reassured her that I was a strong woman and would be fine with my Cancer. She let me know that everyone she has spoken with feels that way about me.

Again, it is not strength but the knowledge that so many are going through so much worse and hurting so much more and yet I turned into a little girl of 5 today crying uncontrollably because my Mommy was hurting.

Yes, I dodged a big bullet and am recovering in the nurturing arms of those that love me. Now those arms need to extend to helping my mother recover from the road that is in front of her.

Perhaps we will lay side by side as our husbands bring us breakfast in bed.

First Shower

What a sensational feeling to be able to feel the hot water flowing down over me like a rebirth.
Feeling the pressure of the shower head massaging my body and cleansing me. Shampooing my hair for the first time by myself. Aharon has been doing it over the sink up until now. Feeling human again.

My girlfriend Caren had a similar procedure done one week before I did and I have been closely in touch with her to compare notes and get an idea of what the near future would bring.
Her description of her first shower was the best, " it felt like I was released from prison after being there for 15 years and was having sex for the first time". I have to admit that my moment was not quite that orgasmic but it was good.

I still have three drains attached to me which I had to put into a plastic pouch and hold it on my shoulder like a pocketbook but it still felt great. My dressings all got wet and soggy so Aharon and I re-dressed everything with the only thing we had around the house. Pantie Liners! They really are very versatile and work great. They are thinner than gauze and absorb nicely and can be cut into any shape needed. I don't know why the hospitals haven't thought about using them.

I am feeling refreshed and renewed today and looking forward to a little bit of reading, if I can focus through the pain medication. Mariola, my cleaning girl and friend, is here cleaning the house and changing all the sheets. What a wonderful feeling knowing everything is fresh and clean.

I am tempted to call work and see what is going on but know that they will chastise me if I do.
I am simply curious to see what is happening but not yet ready to jump in. My Team, Noreen, Cathy, Carol and Monica have been amazing at running my business as seamlessly as they are.
They are my second family and my dear friends. How lucky I am to have them in my life.

Recovery - week two

My surgery was last Monday, April 5th. After surgery I was told I looked great with color in my face and a certain peace about me. My friends and family came to visit me every day and kept me distracted. I was hooked up to IV's, a pain pump inserted into my breasts and was given pain meds for my abdomen. The medicine was doing its job for although I felt drowsy and tired and some pressure on my chest and abs I can't say I felt any real pain. Modern medicine is a wonderful thing.

So the first week I thought passed quickly between sleeping, eating and healing. Coming home is a different story. You are thrilled to be home in a more comfortable setting but nothing is really the same. I can't DO anything. I am mostly confined to my bed with lots of pillows propping me up. I can not lay straight as it will pull the abdominal area. I need to be at an angle at all times including standing up straight. Aharon is a genius when is comes to knowing just what the right pillow combination is for anything I am doing whether it be eating, sleeping, watching TV, or just rest mode. I try to come downstairs once a day usually in the evening to have dinner with my family around the table. It makes me feel normal. The pain meds still make me feel drowsy which I don't like but realize that I need them. I tried Advil today which did the trick until about 4:30 whereby I woke up from my nap in excruciating pain. I felt like someone had ripped off my chest and stomach. I felt a burning sensation as well as tremendous pressure. Monica gave me my meds immediately which thankfully brought me back to normal.
Lesson: do not go off the meds cold turkey. I will now try one pain med with two advil.

I am also feeling up to having a guest or two during the day so people are starting to visit. Although we have always had our dear friends beside us every day.

Life is simple now. Finding a comfortable position, staying pain free and relaxing.

Great News!

I received the best news last night when my Breast Surgeon called. she had reviewed my pathology reports and it seems they got ALL the cancer. I am Cancer Free and will not require Chemo nor radiation.

I am gratefull, thrilled and relieved.

Now my journey is focused on recovering and reflection.

Recovery

The next few days of recovery were busy with a stream of friends at my bedside from morning until night. I was hooked up to IV's , drains and a pain bag. Aharon was there every minute of the day helping me with everything. I was told I looked good and had good color. By day two I was walking to the bathroom a few times a day and by day three I was walking down the hall.



The pain meds are doing their job and are allowing me to stay as comfortable as possible.



I was discharged last Thursday with my drain bags and pain pump which travel with me everywhere as they are surgically attached. I should get them off at the end of this week.



The goal is to be comfortable and pain free. Aharon is a whizard at finding just the right pillow combinations for me at any given time of day. I am so grateful to all the women I spoke to that had gone through this. They gave me the BEST advise on what I would need for afterwards. Something the doctors and nurses never tell you. Here is a list of what to get:



A wedge (foam pillow from Bed Bath and Beyond) to put on your bed . you can not lie straight in bed and need to be elevated a all times.



Pillows of all sizes and firmness. You need a pillow under your back, under your head and under your knees to avoid back pain.



There are also special moon shaped pillow made for breast cancer that can go under your armpits and other places that are very comforting. Thanks Paula!



Pijamas - My friends bought me new PJ's knowing I don't own any. They are either wrap around or button down with draw string pants. Hospital gowns are the best in the hospital with the opening in the back for obvious reasons. less is more.



My baby bottle - water bottle that contours to make holding it easy. You are very thirsty and constantly need to drink water and can't lift anything heavier than a feather.



A toilet seat riser for the obvious reasons. I had the stomach surgery for reconstruction so every lift and bend is painful.



A comfortable office chair with arms. You can not lie down all day and its nice to take breaks on a chair.



I prepared comfortable clothes on a bench in my room for easy access and availablity but am sill in my PJ's.



My ipod was loaded with relaxing music as it is hard to focus on TV or read at this stage.

Get well cards are sooo welcome and nice to read.



Food - we have wonderful friends who have delivered food everyday and Monica is coordinating future deliverys. It is a wonderful welcome gesture and helps us a lot.



Guests - It is a welcome distraction to have visitors but I have to be careful not to overdo it because it is exhausting.



My netbook is coming in handy and I can finally get on it after a week. thank goodness for my Blackberry. even that feels heavy.

Standing Room Only

I woke up at 6am on the day of my surgery for a 7:30 check in. We arrived to find out we were already registered and sent to a room where I proceeded to get into my hospital garb. After watching TV with Aharon, anxiously waiting the next few hours until surgery my friends Nira and Larry arrived to be with us. I was then told I would be taken to the other end of the hospital for a sentinel lymph node biopsy before surgery. I was told that this would be very "uncomfortable" (that's hospital for painful). They would need to put 4 needles into my right breast with a dye that would burn. We all made out way as I was being wheeled over the second floor bridge of the hospital and taken to the breast center. After going through more paperwork and questions about allergies by the nurse specifically sulfur I had told the nurse that I had overdosed on sulfur several years ago and wasn't sure if I was allergic but did get blood poisoning from it. The doctors conferred over this and decided to cancel the procedure not wanting to take a chance on an allergic reaction from sulfur. They would do it another way during surgery with a blue dye. We were then given another volunteer in her 70's to wheel me back. So my entourage and I was escorted to the other side of the hospital again, except this volunteer did not seem to know her way around this hospital and instead of taking the bridge she wheeled me through the lobby of the hospital. My friends and I were laughing hysterically as we were given the scenic tour of the hospital. I asked the volunteer why she didn't take me over the bridge and she claimed that after working there for 18 months she had never been on the bridge. We had a new driver.... we laughed so hard I was grateful not to have any stitches in me yet.

We were taken right into the pre-op area and I never even got to say good-bye to Nira and Larry. They started with the usual IV and introductions to my medical team. Thankfully I don't remember anything after being wheeled into the operating room.

With all of the love and prayers that I knew and felt were with me I kept thinking that it would be standing room only today and hoped you would all leave enough room for the medical teams to do their work. I think Englewood Hospital levitated a bit that morning with all the positive energy emanating from it. I sailed through the surgery successfully in record time and came out to recovery looking as good as one does after surgery. I was told by my family that my skin was glowing and I looked great.

I can not tell you enough how much all the emails and text messages I read helped me relax and allowed me to keep myself in a positive place.

One More Day

I am getting ready for tomorrow's surgery mentally and emotionally. I am so grateful that it is Easter Sunday and the world seems to be calm . The extra prayers from my non-Jewish friends don't hurt either.

It is a beautiful Spring day outside and all seems well with the my world. I will go up and pack my toiletries and discharge outfit, clean the toilet seat riser I received yesterday from a client,
and then head over to the plastic surgeon to get my boobs marked for tomorrow. You would think they could use a sharpie or something more permanent so that I could shower tomorrow but unfortunatley that is not the case.

Otherwise I feel like a I am getting ready for a Staycation. I've always thought how nice it would be to vacation at home. With Aharon being a travel agent we always go away. It will be nice to be at home and enjoy my deck watching the flowers bloom and read, and listen to music.

Getting ready: A chair, electric razor and a netbook

On Tuesday I went for my pre-op appt with my breast surgeon. As Dr. McIntosh drew a picture of my body explaining what would be happening and where the incisions would be including the scarring, I noticed that she only drew one breast but attributed that to using the one side as an example of what would be happening to both sides. She continued to explain that I would have two drains coming out of my stomach and one coming out of the right breast that we (Aharon) would need to drain twice a day for up to two weeks. I asked about the second drain for the left breast and was greeted with a wide eyed look of confusion. Dr. McIntosh was not informed by my plastic surgeon that we would be doing both sides. She was taken aback but immediately started to make calls getting us another operating room as we would need more time. Whew! That was a close call.

Unfortunately the Doctors are not as informative as I believe they should be in preparing you for what to prepare before and after the surgery. It is your responsibility to do some research and speak to other patients to gather that vital information.

After speaking to a few patients, Aharon and I proceeded to getting the item that I would need to make me more comfortable. I will not be able to lift more than 5 lbs after the surgery so I decided to get a NetBook (mini laptop) that I can use afterwards to be in touch by email. The NetBook weighs 2.7Lbs. While at Staples I decided to get a comfortable Office Chair that I could keep in my bedroom allowing me to sit up during the day and not have to lay in bed all day which will hurt my back. I am also prepared to purchase a Tend Machine which Chiropractors use to alleviate back pain. I occasionally suffer from lower back pain and the surgery will be removing my stomach muscle putting more pressure on my back.

I was also told you are not allowed to shave afterwards so I bought an electric shaver (pink).
While at Walgreens I bought a few magazines I never have time to read and some thank you cards.

I've already cleaned out my underwear drawer to make sure I have comfortable ones and that the drawer is neat in case my support staff needs to access it. My toilet kit is in place for the hospital but I still need to figure out the most comfortable outfit to wear when I get released.
Yoga pants and one of Aharon's button down flannel shirts to cover the drains and bandages.

These are only some of the things only other women can tell you. Why can't they have a checklist like they have for kids who go away to summer sleep away camp?

I will attempt to put one together afterwards and include the things I missed and wished I would have had for the next woman who has to go through this.

I don't want to leave out mental preparation, excercise and oils. Good thoughts, positive messages and books are all good to read to keep the upbeat positive energy flowing. I am still excercising to keep my body as strong as possible as I will need to learn to use different muscles afterwards and want to be able to heal quickly. I was also given some sesame oil to rub on my body everyday to allow the skin to heal faster. I feel like I am basting myself like a turkey every morning and wondering if the surgeons will find me moist and tender and they make the first cut.